What’s wrong with these sentences?
Paul was lost in thoughts of Caroline when a shout sounded at the head of the column. Suddenly the horsemen near Paul and Tommy were charging forward, dodging low branches.
“Suddenly” starts the second sentence. I have said before that you should execute as many adverbs as you can. “Suddenly” is one of the most notorious adverbs of them all. It should be shot on sight. No remorse. The same goes for its twin brother, “immediately.”
The reason is simple. Every event happens at a precise moment. For example, a person may take a long time to die, but the moment of death comes in an instant. It comes suddenly. A writer has no need to use the word “suddenly” with the reader.
In the sentences above, the horsemen charged “suddenly.” Can they charge slowly? Can they charge at a leisurely pace? The verb “charge” carries plenty of energy of its own without the adverb. The sentences can be rewritten like this:
Thoughts of Caroline filled Paul’s mind when a shout sounded at the head of the column. The horsemen near Paul and Tommy charged forward, ducking under low branches.
The adverb is gone. The horsemen charged forward at the shout.
While I was at it, I changed the past progressive “were charging” to simply “charged.”