What’s wrong with these sentences?
The biggest lobster in the middle would make a fine meal, Bill thought. But the tank was large. Maybe there was a better one. The woman behind Bill huffed. What was taking so long? The guy must be a snob. The hostess continued to keep the smile pasted to her mouth. Why wouldn’t the guy just pick? She had other customers to wait on.
Bill’s mouth watered just thinking of the meat soaked in melted butter. The middle lobster caught his eye again. He told the hostess, “I’ll take that one.” Finally, thought the woman.
The scene has only three characters, yet the writer tells what each of them are thinking and feeling. This is an exceptional case of head hopping. The author changed the character point of view (POV) five times in that short scene:
- Bill thought.
- The woman behind Bill huffed.
- The hostess was getting impatient
- Bill thought again
- The woman was relieved.
Some novels have been successfully published with less severe uses of the technique, but many readers don’t like it, and many editors won’t take it. Authors lose consistency in their writing when they can’t stick to a particular POV.
At minimum, each change in the point of view must have a new paragraph, but you’re usually better off sticking with one POV through an entire section or scene:
The biggest lobster in the middle would make a fine meal, Bill thought. But the tank was large. Maybe there was a better one.
A woman behind him huffed. “Would you just pick?”
Bill turned to her. Her coiled, blue-gray hair reminded him of the bowling ball his mother-in-law once used. The woman could wait. Now, where was that big lobster? Ah, yes. The big one in the middle. “I’ll take that one.” His mouth watered just thinking of the meat soaked in melted butter.
The hostess focused on him. “Very good, sir.”
“About time,” said the woman.
In this rewrite, the author stays with Bill’s POV. We still learn that Bill is a snob, and we still have a fair idea what others think of him. The scene has more consistency, allowing the reader to relax.